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Nearly the end?!!! / 21 May 2013

Watercolour of a figure pulling a train-load of people by a rope, along a yellow, brick road.

Dream Watercolour III (c) Sarah Hirst

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I am 2 weeks away from my end of year degree assessment and film is nearly done!  Had a busy few weeks and now the end seems really too close!  Waiting for the exhibition to start installing and then I can get painting my space.  I will post pics of final installation and film as soon as soon as I can tidy it up and upload.

Its been a strange few weeks and emotionally been through alot.  Been deciding whether to stay on and do my MA and feeling lost and confused as to what the world would want with me after.  I felt good for nothing and felt that I was no use to anyone.  Couldnt even deal with seeing my counsellor and it just felt too much.  After a week of taking time out I decided that I am just running away and 'leaving the cake half baked'.  Its coming up to the anniversary of my Dad's passing and his birthday and I think this is having a big affect on me and my work.  That coupled with my degree ending and coping to balance uni and family and summertime can be a wierd time for me emotionally.  

Did some work experience with a local theatre company making willow sculptures for a local parade and that really boosted my confidence that I can be of some use.  Went into schools and helped them to make some large sculptures and then decorated them.  It reminded me about the whole creative process and how great that can make people feel.  I have issues with large crowds and felt very anxious but pushed to go and really enjoyed it.

I would love to do that sort of thing again and decided that I want to leave doing an MA for the time being and volunteer on different projects next year.  I feel for the first time I have direction!

I am extremely nervous about showing my film and letting 'part of me' out there.  But I just want to show people that mental illness is something that should be talked about and not ignored and a taboo subject.  I know personally I felt so alone with having BPD and an outcast in society until I met someone who had BPD and a really good job.  It made me rethink that anything is possible.  It helped to talk about how I felt at times and to know that she had gone through similar emotions.

Posting on here has also helped in feeling I have a voice to be heard and a safe place to speak xx