The past is a rogue horse. It stands grazing harmlessly until I am so familiar with it lurking in my background that I hardly see it, until something spooks it and away it goes.
It rips through my present with heart thumping and erratic speed, flailing hooves tearing rifts in my careful togetherness. And I cannot watch it go, but must follow. And match.
We trash countless blind alleys while I attempt to nudge this snorting black nightmare closer to something solid and dependable like a wall. And the walls disappear leaking us into further unforgotten realms in a maze of blindness, déjà-vu, multiplying, each fresh nightmare waiting in the wings like the wild goose eager and ready to take its turn leading the horde; eager like the wolf, to close in with the pack.
And countless horses crowd every nook and cranny of now with indestructible past; in a mindless trample of panic, the stampede opens its maw to consume me.
My now, my tomorrow cease to exist as I pull in every morsel of energy it takes to avoid destruction.
I have learned no better way than, one by one, to outrun them.
Found no solution to the waking in physical pain, brain-dulled empty, and emotionally shot to pieces.
Day two knowing that tomorrow I can start to find someone who might be me.
I don't get there easiliy, I hate to admit how much hard work it takes. I recognise me in the words of strangers. Creative people whose web-presence might warm me like blossom in the snow. Wise and inspirational people just a click away.
Just knowing this resource exists feels empowering. Knowing, working and believing...
Believing there will be trees, and sunshine, birdsong and stars, eyes, words, and a horse grazing harmlessly in fields of wild grasses.
Making resolutions is something I
do not do, never do, and yet I made
this one, only to fail and failure to
explode haunts the helpless state that sees my
inner child new-born and needing only
the close warmth of a heartbeat, the haven
of arms that cradle and protect, the still
moment unjudged, unquestioned, accepted
in given love, the unconditional
hope that will be our food for this lifetime.