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Ems Coombes - disability arts online
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Disability Arts Online

Counterproductive or pondorously objective? / 27 January 2011

After two and a half years of continuous worrying, organising, feeling indebted and, of course, enormous pride in my accomplishments (although at times I forget the pride) I am now staring at a ginormous brick wall. It's an emotional and creative brick wall and it will not budge not matter how hard I hit it... and there is no going round it this time. Yikes!

Every time I settle down to write, an artistic policy, for example, something more important is always there. Washing up is very important, I do it in stages and clean the house a bit in between, I leave the darned cutlery till last, this makes me feel uber productive so I make a coffee to celebrate and then stare blankly at the computer screen awaiting karmas warm blast of professionalism after my 'good deed' and receive... a big fat nothing! Pah!

I read an article by Bobby Baker whilst at university which filled me with hope. Ms Baker is also a freelance artist and, as I discovered recently while trawling through the Sync website, a Disabled Artist, would you Adam and Eve it! She explained how it was difficult to work at home, the distractions etc. but it is just as difficult to go about your daily life as your practise infiltrates that too. Nevertheless we are creative types and our ideas know no bounds.

They are not choosy about when they creep into our heads, we do not work 9 – 5 but, on the other hand, we can have a coffee when we want, we make our own decisions and then designate. Unfortunately, no matter how much sense Ms Baker makes, how much confidence she gave me, it will not get my work done!

In fact as I speak to you, it is two days before the deadline and, yet again I am behind time and fretting about getting everything that I have needed to do for ages done before I do everything else which is more important. Phew!

Priorities! I must get them straight, don’t get me wrong I do lists, lots of them. And I cross them off as I do them but there are always half a list of uncrossed items which fuel my depression at my own lack of stamina and professionalism. I have even made a laminated weekly timetable (ooh get me) alas I haven’t stuck by it.....

I want to be organised. But wanting something so badly and feeling that it will change your life if you get it usually leads to more disappointment... so what do I do?

mmm... well after some deliberation, an awful lot, I am going to risk just being myself, I think I am best at doing that. Panicking is unproductive. Lying about who I am is not truthful, so I am going to take a leaf out of Ms Bakers' book and do what I want, work from what I know about. I understand that I am going to have to do what I don’t want sometime but, what I always say... “Swings, roundabouts and Lemonade Sparkles innit.”

Maz was right

My head's a mess
Crammed full of 'ifs and buts'
My ideas are rife
But I haven't got a clue of what i'm doing here
I feel like i'll go insane
If I don't just let go
This impatience is a pain
And counter-productive I know.

Take the time
Try to bridge the gap
Take your own advice
Cut the crap

No 'what if's'
Its just the here and now we're after
Adaptability is the key
Don't play your cards so close to your chest
Don't get me wrong
I'm enjoying the ride
It's just the headspace that I'm in
Not forgetting my stubborn pride

Take the time
Try to bridge the gap
Take your own advice
Cut the crap

The mirror's cracked
That mask you wear is slipping
Stop underestimating people
Hold that mirror up to yourself
Look around you
Nothing's going wrong
Keep you're feet firmly on the ground
From now on.