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2013 Take Two...

The past is a rogue horse. It stands grazing harmlessly until I am so familiar with it lurking in my background that I hardly see it, until something spooks it and away it goes.
It rips through my present with heart thumping and erratic speed, flailing hooves tearing rifts in my careful togetherness. And I cannot watch it go, but must follow. And match.

We trash countless blind alleys while I attempt to nudge this snorting black nightmare closer to something solid and dependable like a wall. And the walls disappear leaking us into further unforgotten realms in a maze of blindness, déjà-vu, multiplying, each fresh nightmare waiting in the wings like the wild goose eager and ready to take its turn leading the horde; eager like the wolf, to close in with the pack.

And countless horses crowd every nook and cranny of now with indestructible past; in a mindless trample of panic, the stampede opens its maw to consume me.

My now, my tomorrow cease to exist as I pull in every morsel of energy it takes to avoid destruction.
I have learned no better way than, one by one, to outrun them.
Found no solution to the waking in physical pain, brain-dulled empty, and emotionally shot to pieces.
Day two knowing that tomorrow I can start to find someone who might be me.
I don't get there easiliy, I hate to admit how much hard work it takes. I recognise me in the words of strangers. Creative people whose web-presence might warm me like blossom in the snow. Wise and inspirational people just a click away.
Just knowing this resource exists feels empowering. Knowing, working and believing...
Believing there will be trees, and sunshine, birdsong and stars, eyes, words, and a horse grazing harmlessly in fields of wild grasses.
 
Making resolutions is something I
do not do, never do, and yet I made
this one, only to fail and failure to
explode haunts the helpless state that sees my
inner child new-born and needing only
the close warmth of a heartbeat, the haven
of arms that cradle and protect, the still
moment unjudged, unquestioned, accepted
in given love, the unconditional
hope that will be our food for this lifetime.
 

Posted by Gini, 26 January 2013

Last modified by Colin Hambrook, 27 January 2013

2013 New Year resolution

My 2012 has been enriched by wanderings through the WWonderWeb (and I don't mean the hemming tape), thanks to innumerable people posting fascinating stuff, this absolutely has to include DAO and of course the amazing Maria Popova: www.brainpickings.org

Somewhere in my recent past is a conversation with Colin (Hambrook) about 'the tortured artist' so I was fascinated to come across this in an article from the New York Times:

Ray Bradbury, b. 1920 The Untortured Artist

Shortly before his 90th birthday, when asked which moment of his life he’d return to were time travel possible, Ray Bradbury told his interviewer: “Every. Single. Moment. Every single moment of my life has been incredible. I’ve loved it, I’ve savored it, it’s been beautiful — because I’ve remained a boy.” Bradbury was a rare and necessary antidote to the tortured-genius myth — that toxic cultural narrative that requires great creators to suffer lest their work have no depth, no gravitas, no legacy.

Bradbury left high school with plans of going to college, but no money. So he set out to educate himself by going to the library three days a week, a regimen he continued for 10 years, never romanticizing poverty or the so-called writer’s life. Instead, he celebrated the joy of writing itself. In 1951, living in Los Angeles with his wife and two infant daughters, he got a bag of dimes and rented a typewriter in the U.C.L.A. basement for 10 cents a half-hour. He wrote “Fahrenheit 451” for $9.80.

His secret? “You remain invested in your inner child by exploding every day. You don’t worry about the future, you don’t worry about the past — you just explode.” MARIA POPOVA

Nurturing, investing in, my inner child is something I was able to do for the first time in 2009, at first unconsciously, but gradually growing in awareness and eventually waking up to such delight and amazement. I'd like to take this belated opportunity to thank the person who made this daily adventure possible and I really do have to recommend it; staying aware of and investing in my inner child is my resolution for 2013 - I shall attempt to explode a bit more...

May your inner child be blessed in showers of daily explosions!

Posted by Gini, 1 January 2013

Last modified by Gini, 1 January 2013