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Deborah Caulfield's blog - disability arts online
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I'm all wrong. Or is it just a bad poem? / 9 June 2015

Line drawing

All wrong. Digital image. 2015

Zoom in to this image and read text description

When depression hits, I can't go out or speak to anyone. It's a moment by moment existence. I have no energy. I want to sleep (but don't). I make myself do basic chores. That's all there is. And food.

This time (today) I decided to write and draw (fuck work) something, attempt to represent or express my state ('mood' it's called nowadays, which sounds OK). I don't smoke and I can't afford to drink alcohol (anyway it's a depressant) though I love the taste.

There's no cure for fear, no remedy for failure and no antidote to stupidity.

Thinking is less of a problem since I learned mindfulness. But the body never forgets and never stops feeling.

For when the numbers don't add up, it's no use lying your way out of the problem. It comes back tenfold (I'm told) and hurts times hundred (that I do know).

So I wrote this poem and made that picture.

 

I'm all wrong
words in search
of melody and rhyme
 
I'm all wrong
out of tune
step and time
 
I'm all wrong
in bad shape
body and mind
 
I'm all wrong
well below par
something missing
 
I'm all wrong
totally failed
a big mistake
 
I'm all wrong
can't be put right
like this poem