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Back in the day: Now and then.

I had shingles over christmas and new year. Although it was a relatively mild attack, added to the usual impairment shit, its effect on my energy levels and states of mind has not been altogether positive.

I keep thinking any day I'll be better and back to where I was.  But then, where I was wasn't exactly a good place. I took on too much, hardly notice when I over-reached and didn't really take enough care of myself.

These days I'm more passenger than driver. It feels weird and I don't like it much. Back-seat puking isn't my preferred style, it just isn't me. Not the old me, or more accurately, not the young me.

The younger me battled through the pain, on and on. The older me spends hours and hours prone upon the sofa, in an enforced state of horizontality. Reluctant, mildly irritated yet arguably, blissfully resigned. Mindfulness works, but in case you're wondering, I do not love Big Brother, I never will.

In this position, if I'm in the mood and not too tired, I can be quite productive, e.g. writing, reading, drawing (on the tablet) and talking (on the phone.) Mostly, though, I just listen to the radio.

Verticality generally involves stroking/feeding the cat, doing the washing up (eventually) and making approximations of meals and microwave cakes.

Occasionally, ideas come to me, like unexpected visitors. Reasons to make a cake and put the kettle on.

But here's the thing: everything about me is old, including my ideas.

Yet who can blame me? Sometimes it feels like the 80s and 90s again: waiting for the bomb, cursing the system and hating the Tories.

And another thing: is it me, or are things worse than they were then, back in the day?

Politically, I've never felt so scared, gloomy and defeated.

Yet strangely, I'm also not surprised. I guess I've always known which way the wind was blowing. I just hoped for better and believed that if we worked and fought hard enough, together we could change things. I'd like to think this is possible, even now.

So how can I help? What can people like me (ancient, achy, sad, cynical etc) actually, realistically do?

Back in the day, and to a lesser extent as recently as 2012 and 2015, I did useful stuff: letters, press releases; posters, placards and flyers. I organised and attended conferences, meetings and workshops; I marched, chanted and stood around.

And so on. In the 80s and 90s I was a very active activist, for example as a member of CND, AA, CAAT.

Later came disability rights, another story about rights, wrongs and times gone by.

Which brings me to this point: I worked hard so that what has happened wouldn't happen. I tried to stop them doing what they've done.

I failed. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I remember then, and I see now. 

Posted by Deborah Caulfield, 28 February 2016

Last modified by Deborah Caulfield, 28 February 2016

So it was. And here it is.

 

Once in a while, every so often, I get the urge to draw. No use fighting it.

And so it was, that one day last October, l set the table.

Years before, I had set my students a similar drawing exercise consisting of mugs and a check tablecloth. Nothing like a grid for plotting one's place in the system. The scheme of things.

Artist is as artist does.

Years before, my art teacher had seen some talent in me (he later told me) and set a similar exercise. Six weeks, every Wednesday. How I learned to love drawing and start (just a start, mind) believing in myself.

Is this a good or bad drawing? Who knows? I like it. That's good enough for me.

Now and again, according to the prevailing wind or a passing whim, I get the urge to upload.

So it was. And here it is.

 

Posted by Deborah Caulfield, 2 February 2016

Last modified by Deborah Caulfield, 2 February 2016